Deathtrap

by Rich Parkin


A.N.G.E.L. Surveillance File 74598
CONFIDENTIAL
Subject: UberMaster

Analysts’ Notes:

The attached transcript is from a wiretapping device which was secretly planted on UberMaster’s right hand-man, Heineford Rictor. Voiceprints of the speakers match the following suspects: UberMaster, Heineford Rictor (aka Sergeant-Major Rictor), Doctor Scorpio, and Scorpio’s robot assistant I.G.O.R..

Various unidentified voiceprints likely belong to minions of either Scorpio or UberMaster. They have been generically labeled as Lab Assistant or Henchman, respectively, with a number to indicate the sequence in which they are recorded. For reasons which will be obvious, no attempt to identify these minions will be made.

UberMaster’s thick German accent is fake, but renders some of his speech nearly unintelligible. The voice-to-text program that rendered the transcript had considerable difficulty with it. We find it’s easiest to simply read the transcript out loud.


Automated Transcript:


UberMaster:
“Ah! Derriere, Sergeant-Major Rictor!”

Rictor:
“Reporting as ordered, UberMaster!”

UberMaster:
“Vat iss door problem, Rictor?”

Rictor:
“Begging your pardon, UberMaster, but the deathtrap project is running behind schedule and over budget.”

UberMaster:
“Un who iss re-spoon sybil fur dis?”

Rictor:
“Well, it’s really Doctor Scorpio’s project, UberMaster. I don’t have all of the details.”

UberMaster:
“An vie not!?”

Rictor:
“Um… It’s his fault.”

Henchman1:
“Me?!”

[sound of gunshots]

UberMaster:
“Hat takes care off hat. Let us goo see Herr Doctor Schkorpio un get see report.”

[sounds of goosestepping down a hallway]

UberMaster:
“Doctor Schkorpio! I yam paying you vale to build fur me a [untranslatable] deathtrap! Vie iss it not dune yet?!”

Scorpio:
“Hmm? Oh, UberMaster! Yes. As I was telling one of your underlings, I’d like to get your input on some of these details.”

UberMaster:
“Which un ditch you tell?!”

Scorpio:
“Oh, I don’t know… They all look alike to me.”

Rictor:
“It was him.”

Henchman2:
“Me?! I didn’t–”

[sound of gunshots]

UberMaster:
“Now vat ditch chew vat to know, Herr Doctor?”

Scorpio:
“Eh? What did he say, I.G.O.R.?”

I.G.O.R.:
“I believe he was asking what you wanted to know, Doctor.”

Scorpio:
“Oh. Yes.
[Pause]
And what was it I wanted to know?”

I.G.O.R.:
“You were concerned about placements, mainly.”

Scorpio:
“Oh, that’s right. UberMaster? If you would be so kind as to follow me?”

UberMaster:
“I follow no un! UberMaster vale lead every un!”
[pause]
“Vitch vay?”

Scorpio:
“Right this way.”

Rictor:
“Begging your pardon, UberMaster, but we ARE walking into a deathtrap…?”

UberMaster:
“Zen out dur scouts den! Schnell!”

Rictor:
“Right away, UberMaster! You and you. Out front.”

Henchman3:
“Uh, uh! No way!”

[sound of gunshots]

Rictor:
“And you. Out front.”

Henchman4:
“Yes, Sergeant-Major Rictor!”

[sounds of multiple sets of footsteps]

[sounds of screams, echo and fade into the distance]

Scorpio:
“And how do you like the Bottomless Pit?”

UberMaster:
“Eh. Couldt be deeper.”

Scorpio:
“I.G.O.R.?”

I.G.O.R.:
[synthesized sigh]
“I’ll make a note of it, Doctor.”

Rictor:
“Two more scouts. Out front.”

[muttering]

Rictor:
“What was that?”

Henchman5:
“Yes, Sergeant-Major Rictor!”

[sounds of gunshots]

UberMaster:
“I count schtand a minion who count schpeak up door forest time.”

Rictor:
“Two more out front. You know the drill.”

Henchman6:
“Yes, Sergeant-Major Rictor!”

[sounds of multiple sets of footsteps]

[deafening zap]

Scorpio:
“A-Ha! There’s the Lightning Ray! What do you think, UberMaster?”

UberMaster:
“Iss pointink door wrong vay.”

Scorpio:
“So it is! I.G.O.R., make a note of that.”

I.G.O.R.:
[synthesized sigh]
“Yes, Doctor.”

Rictor:
“We’re out of henchmen, UberMaster.”

Scorpio:
“Oh, that’s no problem. You can borrow some of my lab assistants.”

[sounds of screams and running]

Scorpio:
“Now where did they all go? No matter. The thing I wanted to talk to you about is in the next chamber. I haven’t activated it yet, so there’s no danger.”

I.G.O.R.:
“Unless of course you consider genetic damage from residual radiation a problem.”

Scorpio:
“I’m too old for children, so no problem at all. Right this way, if you please?”
[pause]
“Isn’t it spectacular? The ultimate in deathtrap components!”

UberMaster:
[pause]
“Vat is it?”

Scorpio:
“It’s the Doctor Scorpio Antimatter Supercollider Bomb! Patent pending.”

UberMaster:
“Vat doze it do?”

Scorpio:
“I’m glad you asked! It’s so nice when another supervillain takes an interest in one’s hobbies. Anyway, this device is rigged with sensors that detect motion, sound, light, heat, cold, radiation, persperation, cosmic rays, electricity, force fields, altered DNA, and brainwaves. I’m working on a magic detector, but that one’s still in development.”

UberMaster:
“Impressive. Vat else?”

Scorpio:
“Well. Once it detects an intruder, this device instantly causes an anti-matter chain reaction that obliterates this entire chamber!”

I.G.O.R.:
“And the rest of the planet, if my calculations are correct.”

Scorpio:
“You and your calculations. I keep telling you it’s a piece of pi.”

UberMaster:
“I dun one door planet destroyed. Not dis room ease or. I just one door few soup or heroes oo-blit-a-ray-debt.”

Scorpio:
“Oh. In that case, I may have some deathtraps over in the lab that might interest you. This way, please.”

Rictor:
“Um. We don’t have any minions left.”

UberMaster:
[pause]
“Yur point iss?”

Rictor:
“Make that thing go first!”

I.G.O.R.:
[synthesized sigh]
“Would that I could, Sir, but my self-preservation programming prevents me.”

Scorpio:
“Oh, don’t be silly, you two. There aren’t any more traps. Now come along.”

UberMaster:
“You goo forest, Sergeant-Major.”

Rictor:
“Y-yes, UberMaster.”

[scream]

Scorpio:
“Oops! Forgot that one!”

[screaming continues, transmission ends]

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